Toxic masculinity creates a vicious cycle of insecurity and abuse. But it can be stopped.

The term “toxic masculinity” has been thrown around a lot these past few years—the social phenomenon has gnawed at the sports world, the academic world and even the social media world. Used to describe society limiting men’s ability to share their emotions, it emphasizes gender roles and the stigmatization of emotions that show vulnerability. Although toxic masculinity is only just making its way through the news, the concept is as old as evolution itself.

Let’s start with the definition offered by the Good Men Project, a foundation designed to help men tell stories about their lives. “[Toxic masculinity] is the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured, while supposedly ‘feminine’ traits.”

This definition instinctively makes sense to many readers. Over the course of two thousand years, men became the hunters, gatherers, and laborers of the family, while women stayed home and tended to children. A story we’ve heard countless times since middle school social studies class. The trouble comes when we apply this definition to modern sex problems. Why do emotionally suppressant men tend to shove women out of important tasks? Why do these same men tend to have unhealthy relationships with women?

The story of a North Dakota domestic abuse survivor offers some insights. On Thursday, Feb. 13th, a 28-year old woman named Kim—who declined to share her last name for legal reasons—spoke to a crowd of 365 people about the abuse she faced from her ex-husband. The story stems from the struggles they took on as a family and the struggles each member took on individually. Her husband was in constant conflict with the people he worked with, and thus was barely hanging on to the job that was feeding his family. Eventually, financial struggles empowered Kim to take on her own job, despite her husband’s will for her to stay home and take care of the kids. Her new responsibilities translated to more insecurity for her husband, and that insecurity translated into further abuse.

Kim’s husband was unleashing his anger on her because he believed it was the only way to deal with his emotions. Societal norms kept him from expressing his pain in words or tears, especially in the presence of his family. For him, there was nothing worse than looking weak in the presence of others.

And yet, masking weakness is not a behavior specific to Kim’s husband. Rather, it is a universal byproduct of toxic masculinity and a universal cause of sexism. Even in the workplace, men often choose to separate themselves from women to avoid the sharp pain of criticism. It’s this plethora of fear, weakness, and insecurity that connects toxic masculinity — the societal choking of a man’s right to express emotion — with abuse, neglect, and even sexism.

Kim finally decided to leave her husband after he attempted suicide unsuccessfully. She knew he would wake up with an instinctive need to suppress his weakness, both in his own eyes and in the eyes of others. And Kim knew that meant more abuse.

Toxic masculinity cannot be weeded out of global culture in my lifetime, even if I am only 17. But there is something each man can do to put us in the right direction. Accept your weakness at the source, and share it while it is benign. Difficult employment, financial instability, and a struggle to take care of children is excusable and often reversible. When you mask that weakness, you will only let it consume you. The results are violence, harassment, and sexism is all utterly inexcusable.

Article by Shariar Vaez-Ghaemi of Montgomery Blair High School

Graphic by Claire Yang of Winston Churchill High School